December 23, 2006 - 4:29 p.m.

The first punch was only a set up for the second:

So, Thursday night I'm on my way home from work. It's dark and the asshole in the SUV coming towards me has both his fog lights and his high beams on, so I can't see jack shit. Just as the SUV passes me, I realize there's a dead deer lieing in the middle of my lane right in front of me. My choice is to run over it or swerve into oncoming traffic, so over it I go. There's a couple of thumps, but nothing major, and the car seems fine the rest of the drive home, so I feel relieved. Fast forward to Friday morning. I'm driving into work and my 'check engine' light come on. I curse repeatedly, but there's nothing I can do, so I get to work and attempt to call my VW service dept. I play phone tag with the guy, but never connect. In his message, the service guy assures me he can fit me in next week. Ok, I can live with that. Then we come to this morning. I'm on my way home after going to the gym and getting groceries. my car starts to stutter and run very rough, almost like it's going to stall. I get home and let it idle, but it's still running very rough. I try to call the service department again... it's 12:05 and they closed at noon.

So, what was an inconvenience was now an emergency and it's likely gonna blow the money I thought I was going to have from the extra paycheck this month... Yeah, life is sucking fairly hard at the moment.

December 22, 2006 - 7:35 a.m.

Friday Funny; Language Gap:

Ripped Ticket, it's the shizzle, yo.

December 21, 2006 - 8:31 p.m.

Lessons Learned are Like Bridges Burned....

.... You can only cross them once.

The trick, of course, is actually learning the lesson. So, I've been thinking about.... oh... my whole romantic history. 'Cause, ya know, I wasn't depressed enough. Anyway, it seems to me that I tend to be most attracted to situations where failure is already assured. Can we say "Self sabotage"?... I knew we could!... Then we take the fact that it's been six years since I've been in anything that can be defined as a real relationship... and over three for even casual sexual contact... and where does that leave us? Well, with deep issues of course.

Change has to happen. I need to stop making excuses or giving reasons why 'this isn't the right time'. It'll never be a perfect time... And the whole long distance relationship thing has got to stop.

Yeah, time to climb up out of the safety of my rut and get back into the real world.

December 20, 2006 - 10:00 a.m.

Lies, Falsehoods, and Questions Asked:

Yeah, it's been a fun couple of days. All kinda crap has been going through my head, mostly when I should be sleeping... or working... or driving.

Much of it, of course, has been about Lilly. I wonder, as *K* suggested, whether her confession was the actual lie or some mixture of the truth. The timing was certainly convenient. This week marks a year of knowing each other. It's possible that's what made her decide to come clean... or made her decide it was time to end the relationship. I suspect that's what lies at the heart of it, that she wanted to end it, but she couldn't be the one to say "It's over". So, she had to give me reason to break up with her. Hence the confession, be it truth or lies or some combination thereof.

In the end, what was truth and what was fabrication doesn't really matter. What I have to ask myself is, Why was I even in this relationship in the first place? Why stay in a long distance relationship with a mentally unstable person, married or unmarried, abused or unabused, for a year? Was it to have the illusion of intimacy without any risk of the real thing? To satisfy this 'white knight' complex I seem to have?.... And why do I have such an attraction to the wounded birds of the world in the first place? Is it some altruistic desire to fix other people's problems or, more likely, is it that I need to have people dependent on me so I won't have to be afraid of them leaving me?

December 18, 2006 - 10:39 a.m.

Christmas Cheer and Holiday Revelations:

Well, here we are on another Monday... and what a fun, fun weekend it has been. Actually, Friday and Saturday weren't all that bad, it was Sunday that decided to suck rocks. It started with a Christmas brunch with my mother, her significant other (side note: why isn't there a better word for the guy an older woman is in a committed relationship with, but not married to? Calling a guy in his seventies her 'boyfriend' just sounds weird), my cousin Don, and Kendra. It wasn't bad, per se, so much as boring with a capital 'BORE'. The only really enjoyable things were the food and making sarcastic remarks to Kendra under my breath. I know, I'm a horrible person. For presents, I got a calendar, a sweater, and two gift cards to stores I don't really go to. Ah well, it could have been worse.

Sunday night, I was talking to my friend from California; Lilly. Heh, haven't mentioned her in a while, have I? Well, last night she decided it was time to come clean about something she'd been lieing about since we met. She told me she didn't really look how she had described herself. Big shock in a long distance relationship, eh? She told me she was actually about eight inches taller.... and a hundred pounds heavier...and three years older... Oh, and, by the way, African American.

Yeah, so that's something to wrap my head around, right? Well, there's a few other things I should probably know, like there is no abusive husband. Actually, she's not even married. And the stuff she's told me about her dad? Well, it did happened, but long term like she said. Oh, and he actually died of a drug overdose years ago, so all those times she called me freaking out about something he did or said? Yeah, those didn't really happen. And about the protective older brother she's told me so much about? Well, he doesn't actually really exist, she's just always wanted an older brother. Really, basically, everything we've talked about for the last year has been a complete and total fabrication.

I can't begin to tell you where my head is with that little revelation. Really, I'm still processing it.I mean, we're talking a full year of talking on the phone for hours at a time. A conservative estimate would be five hours a week, so that's be like 260 hours of being lied to.

I mean, Damn

NOTE: Permission for the use of my images is granted for personal websites and blogs but is to include a link back to this site and proper credit given to me. Link to be used; A Thousand Words: http://sinsear777.diaryland.com/)

NOTE: Permissions for commercial use, and the creation of prints, must be purchased! For more information you can contact me here.